Meeting with A - PART I

What is right now?

Now, here, now I sense presence, and letting it in is somewhat overwhelming, maybe a little tiny bit—not quite overwhelming.

Is it seen?

It's right here.

Yeah, it's in front of you, right?

Yeah, it's actually right here.

And that who sees— is that overwhelmed?

No.

Okay, who are you?

I know I'm that because you just called it out, and then I saw–I was aware of that.

But... where is the past?

I don't know.

Yes, it's not there. It's an image, it's on the screen, it's in the mind. It's a memory, it's a thought, it's a recalling.

I heard you talk about how you were perceiving everything as being of the same unity.

Then, I don't even know if you said it, but I remember I saw it.

I don't remember when, but I remember that I have looked through,

I have pierced through before, and looked through what's here now.

And now, it's here now.

And now... just don't look for the experience, and don't look for intellectual understanding. That which is looking—that which you are already now—it's not moving anywhere. It's here. You are this presence and awareness.

You cannot not be present.

It's like a leaning back.

When you had first asked me, "Who am I?" I leaned back and I saw it, and I was it for a second.

But then I leaned forward, when I try to look back, it’s not there. I...

I? Who? I? Who's I? Who's looking? Who?

I.

Can you perceive the I? Can you see this I? It appears in front of you. Is the eye—

It's just, I don't control it. I'm not in control of it, I don't think.

You don’t need to control it. It’s not you. It’s like a wind moving. It's appearing.

Who are you?

I don’t know, right now.

Yeah, yeah.

There is no answer.

I don’t like it when I try to be being, and then it's static. It's not connected, it's not presence. It's not home. It’s not connected. It doesn’t seem connected to, love.

Yeah.

If you don't look for love, and it is a relaxation, as you say—leaning back and stillness—yeah, and I feel, I sense that you don't trust that stillness and relaxation.

You sort of touch it, and you jump back into,

"Okay, there's no love there. It's not what I'm looking for."

And this... it's the mind that's sort of dipped into its absence. It is what it is; it is its absence. And it sort of goes, "Oh, there's no love, and I don't like the experience." And it's so disconnected from this world. I need to be in this world; otherwise, it's either that or that.

And it's also a story. It's also a story. "There is no love"—it's a story. There cannot be no love. If you don't sense it straight away, it may just mean that you didn't spend enough time marinating there and relaxing and relaxing, because we may have a lot of tension stored in the body. For the body and mind, it may take a while to sort of decompress, yeah, open.

Open—it's openness. It is complete letting go and surrender.

When I consciously am aware, and I say I'm going to intend to be silent and be in silence and stillness, then I do fall into it, and I do enjoy it. And I have to be conscious and aware about it.

So maybe the part of the discomfort might be that I got a little bit attached to my breath. Someone recommended listening to sound more to get away from the breath, but some of that might be...

I recommend being aware that you are aware. There is no medium. It is immediate, here. When you notice that you are, it's right there. The mind is no more. That's it.

A teacher said, "Just rest in existence." Basically, your existence. That was the first time that I really... it felt like a more simple enlightenment...

Yeah, it is very, very simple, and the complexity is in the mind. So it is so simple. You are it. You are here. There's nothing to look for. Anywhere you look, you can't find that because you are.

Maybe it will help, but anything you can perceive is not you, right? Feelings, emotions, they are a play of it, but they're not it itself. Yeah, so resting, surrendering, letting go. And breath is the medium.

Yeah, breath helps the body-mind to relax. If you're too tense, then breath, of course, is like a middle stage. But once you settle, "Okay, I'm here," then just watch the watcher.

Watch the observer. And, how to say, portray it like you're looking out, then you're looking backwards at the same time. What is the source of the source? What is the source of the one who's looking? Where is this "I" appearing from? Where does this consciousness come from? So, even the consciousness— even the consciousness is appearing.

Even the consciousness comes from somewhere. What is that? You can't be separate from it, because it is the source of your being.

I can start to look at it, and then it becomes a mental activity. Maybe it starts to become more imagination, or it could... but when you speak of it, I start to... I glimpse it. I start to, like, at least...

No, just notice. Recognizing the light. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just notice. You're here. You're here, simply here. There is only now, and there is only this moment, beyond the moment. And you are here, and you are aware. And that awareness, the light of your being—it just is. It's here. It's here, and it's sort of like a relaxation into your being, into business. It's always here, and now you are. You always are aware. So you are always aware, and you and awareness are equally the same.

And now, as you rest in your being and awareness, just... yeah, it's like, exhale. Here, just be conscious that you are. It's not a task, it's not a practice to do. It is simply drawing the attention of your awareness back to itself, to the source of attention, to the source of awareness. And so, here you are. Nothing else. Just this—existence, presence, consciousness. It's all different words for one thing, which is you.

Who am I? Where does this awareness come from? Where does this sense of being, which I am, come from? It also sprouted from somewhere. What am I? Where does this "I" come from? What is the source of this presence?

Yeah, I am. I am just this light of consciousness. That which is listening is the same source from where these words appear.

How can I recognize that more? How can I turn that, and how can I get my ego, or my mind, or my brain to recognize that?

Yeah, that's what's happening—either by a very strong desire to recognize—and this takes, like you said, the willingness and dedication to sit and keep regressing this. Not that.

What is aware? What is the source of my awareness?

And there will be moments when you can't pierce through it. It's like, "Okay, my mind is too busy." "Okay, okay, I can't." "Resistance, okay." You'll keep softening, surrendering, and it's like... it looks like a process because suppressed stuff will bubble up—emotions, stories—it’s all like... and then you need to have a teacher and an understanding that this is the highest, and "I desire nothing, I fear nothing, and whatever it costs, I want to know the truth."

That’s me. That's what... I've been there for a long time.

Yeah, yeah. So the hindrance is the desire and the fear, which roots in the separate "I." What is the "I"? It can still be perceivable; the mind is appearing..

I don’t even know why there’s fear anymore. There’s no reason for it anymore; it’s just there.

What is the nature of this fear? Is the fear of death?

No, because I had a remembering of self, and then that disappeared when I was like, "Oh, I’m that." I was, for a moment or for a little bit, in the "yeah, everything" was... yeah.

So the fear is still... the fear can only be rooted in the false self, the sense of self, the sense of "I."

So, sense of "I." Then it's just sitting and looking. What actually is this that I call myself, "I"?

And when you relax into your awareness and this presence, you start this investigation. So this is one approach—investigating what am I and what I call myself, "I." Okay. And you try to find the "I."

It’s like a structure, a bundle or collection of memories, emotions, all the story of the character. But it’s all... you see, okay, what is it, actually? It’s the past, right?

If all there is, is just this "now," here and now, and it’s very spontaneous, very unpredictable—what words I will speak next, I don’t know. There is no future; there is no past. There is this, this, this... whatever it is. So, what can "I" be? What can "I" be is the one who is experiencing, perceiving... is The Source.

If you have this understanding and deepen your mind more and more into awareness, there will be, like, a shift or change of authority because when you are in that space where there is nothing, it’s so singular and so simple. There is no mind. And when the mind reappears, you’re like, "Aha, I see you. You weren’t here a moment ago."

You know, there is someone to notice the absence of the mind. And it’s actually the mind, because when you’re in this emptiness, it’s like time doesn’t exist, space doesn’t exist, so there’s no experience to report from—like deep sleep. No experience to report from because it’s only the mind that can say, "Oh, it was black," or, "It was just..."

END OF PART I